FadingVapes

infact I think im convinced im a falled angel of some sort. Probably the right hand of the antichrist. Like i was reading about fallen angels on wikipedia and the similarities between me and them are wild. For a better explaination, I used to be really into christianity before being thrown out due to being not what christians wanted me to be (Which could consider me having fallen from grace) now i hate them with a burning passion for mistreating and judging me. I think nights of not sleeping good and drunk have finally helped me realize some things about me
Plus im fully convinced i made a water bottle fall off my nightstand last night with all my energy. Its literally still laying on my floor beside the nightstand
Plus alot of odd events happened to me as a child Seeing shadow creatures and having nightmares about said creatures

I doubt it was schizophernia Because nobody experiences schizo at that young of an age

Unless somehow i was an extremely rare outlier Which is unlikely Who knows i might just strike big someday and somehow gain power Even if its small local government shit it would still be worth it

I may be suffering from savant syndrome; a savant is a learned individual, essentially a scholar or philosopher. However, its a condition in which a person with severe mental impairments exhibits superhuman abilities. Consider human calculators and highly developed memory or lilly's experiment as examples, This might apply to me because it's clear that my use of technology is devout, Im still hell bent on acheiving biological immortality through transhumanist means...

>be me

>unironic schizopost without schizo

Ever heard of Temple OS? (Davis was the developer)

Taking a look at the TempleOS at a software level Absolute genius, tons of gems that'd be amazing for modern software Downside: Dude was schizophrenic as fuck, and thought the idea was from god, so he made it to be "god's next temple" Basically saying it was something divine So, absolute genious level programming skills put to complete fucking waste Because they dropped medication, and did not get any help for their problems

It's nice to believe in some things that provide you comfort, I normally dissuade that kind of approach to life but things are so hellish that it seems like an appropriate defensive mechanism.

I think people mythologizing their life can be a valuable thing, if it isn't a huge cope and nothing more. If it's a source of drive and progress, then all the better. All too frequently, though, people who mythologize their lives use it exclusively as a source of comfort and to feel like they're not just... being kind of useless. If you look at some of the most successful people in history, many have considered themselves "from god" or even "god themselves". So have many of the most useless. It's a very polarizing dichotomy, where it takes almost a specific kind of inborn mentality to take advantage of that attitude successfully.

A magnum opus of mental alchemy, the ability to make something (drive) from nothing

It's nice to believe in some things that provide you comfort, I normally dissuade that kind of approach to life but things are so hellish that it seems like an appropriate defensive mechanism.

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>Why no updates?
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>What's changed?
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>What do you do now?
well... january I dropped out of high school since I have no motivation for school, much less studying to get my GED. I have always dreamed of working as a software developer or engineer, I always knew that coding would be my primary career path. However, I have always had a passion for music and have spent many years teaching myself various instruments and music theory. I understand that the job market can be unpredictable and competitive (imo 90% of all programming jobs will go away in the next 10 years, while the other 10% will be building and developing the AI that writes code.) If for some reason my career as a programmer doesn't work out, I am confident that my skills and experience as a musician would allow me to transition smoothly into teaching music full-time. Due to a number of circumstances, my living situation is complicated, and I've been moving around here and there. Currently, mom wants me to go either get my GED or my high school diploma and has attached it as a condition of me living here. I'm currently working on a few projects to add to my github portfolio and Even though the things I make are fairly insignificant I enjoy making them and hope it can be of use to others. my GitHub.




For anyone curious - my socials:
Youtube: ?!?!?!?
Steam: !?!?!?!?
Instagram: !?!?!?!?
?!1: !1?

>Where may I find you?
Considering some people have had trouble contacting me in the past due to my past Discord tag being outdated, I thought I might aswell put some contact info here aswell.

My social accounts:
Discord @ !?!?!?!?
Twitter

If you want to talk to me about anything, by all means feel free to dm me right away. im lonly.

>The future of this webpage?
I plan to just leave it be. I'll for sure post more updates in the upcoming years, but nothing too major will change.

And no, I'm not going to update the title each year from "the ramblings of a 16 year old fanatic" to "the ramblings of a {my current age} fanatic." Not going to happen. I was 16 when I designed this page, so it'll stay that way :^)

Lain community related thoughts and shit

I've had an interest toward Lain and the fanbase around her for a while now. For the past couple months it's developed into more of an obsession.

This obsession comes with the urge to create something so fucking good that it would unite every separated Lain fandom into one big community where people could collaborate and create Lain-related stuff. Currently the situation is quite shit. You want to be a part of re:wire? Join their telegram, discord server, whatever. You want to be on Arisuchan/Lainchan, etc? Go post there. You want to worship some 16 year old schizophrenics fantasy that uses Lain as a mascot? Go to SS. You want to go against that 16 year old schizo? Go to Apollo. Most of these communities have personal relationships with each other, drama, friendship, you name it. It's difficult to acquire/give/manipulate information and ideas between some of these communities since they're so separated. Therefore collaborating for potentially good Lain projects becomes tougher than it should. I want to create a service that unites every Lain fan into one.

I look at Lain religiously. She gives me motivation to do anything, be it study, code, breathe, what the fuck ever. I want to do her justice.

Lainism, Lain, Anime, they're all works of fiction, almost nothing of real value can be pulled out from those things instead of abstract ideas which get no one anywhere, sure they help people cope, they help pass time, but that is it, they're worthless to growth in the long run hence, for one me not caring about Lain, and for two, me not giving a fuck about media in general because its not worth my time, if people want to fix themselves then they should stop clouding themselves with these distorted and convoluted perceptions and work on their sense of self and stop escaping from reality all the damn time

I know to properly discuss these things especially this case would be to actually look into what escap- Lainism is about, but I don't know if I have it in me to do such a thing due to me neglecting the time I have on my hands far enough and I don't know if Lainism, a completely fabricated and fictional fantasy, is worth my time, And I view the whole idea behind Lainism as just another form of escapism, there is many different types of coping methods which involve escapism and we could talk for hours on the many different types but Lainism is nothing else than that in my eyes and is no different than suicide

Systemspace offered community that I felt like I belonged in, but in the end, it couldn't be what people would end up realizing they needed some years later. Lainism is quaint and to even call it cultlike would be giving it too much credit- there's simply not enough organized people participating in it seriously. Systemspace was abandoned by its creator explicitly, leaving it essentially dead. There is no one that could rise up and take the same mantle, because explicitly, any such person is against the dogma the project established. There could be no representative except the one Tsuki, and Tsuki himself was profoundly flawed. So, in a sense, its a dead-end. I think Lainism could go somewhere. There is no prophet, and it leaves people to also integrate their own beliefs. I think maybe the golden age has passed, though.

as an example of me being completely fucking batshit while im manic: back during my "Transhumanist phase" and i was really manic, there would be times i would be huddled up on the floor high as shit trying to "tap my unconsciousness into the wire" so i could connect my brain with the collective unconsciousness of humanity so i could commune with and learn from the total psychic energy of the human species, and i would imagine myself being a series of electric blue neurons feeding into a giant brain. of course, thanks to my family and friends i always managed to bring myself back to reality, but thats just one example of the kinds of shit that i genuinely start thinking when i get really manic

my belief in a CU makes me feel more connected to other people on a deeper level than I was before, but its a belief ultimately. and thats what religion is based off of there could be numerous ways of tapping into it (ie, LSD and technological implants) but the Wire itself must come pretty close to acting as humanity's artificial CU that can be easily observed and interacted with directly. maybe all of those eastern + spiritualist religions were right about tapping into something higher than them, but I don't believe in something like a heaven (Nirvana) its alot to think about and consider I try to have the most objectively correct view of reality as possible, without letting myself get sucked into movements that I disagree with my mind is a mess I don't view tapping into the CU as a form of escapism. I view it as a way of being more well connected and empathetic towards my fellow humans that exist in material reality. I love humanity and I love nature Heaven (metaphorically) already exists within us as ive been preaching since the start. We don't need to fear some powerful being's weirdly specific rules of morality to find it

I still don't know if I should call myself religious or not I called myself an Atheist just a few weeks or so ago, but not I'm not so sure if traditional science is capable of explaining something like a CU that we all share I do love Lain I just don't really worship her. I don't think that I'm a full on Lainist, but its my personal belief that she does exist in some form, or atleast some kind of equivalent powerful entity that exists within the CU. I don't mean that I want to be constantly absorbed into the CU, I just want to be able to be closer to it hence, why I call myself pseudo-religious.

what im trying to describe is anthropologically speaking a religious rite of transcendence. A philosophy of ascending to a higher state of enlightenment through technological modification to ones body. All predicated on faith on technology that may or may not even be possible in the first place. I mentioned i can't prove the human collective consciousness exists yet i still believe in it. That's literally what Faith is.

CU = collective unconscious btw

http://deprogrammed.org/ Deprogrammed invites you to step into the mindset of individuals who were indoctrinated into cults or extremist groups